Mind if I take of the mask for a minute? Sit down, grab a couple of hot tea (or coffee if you prefer), and let me tell you about what is going on with me.
I have laughed and joked several times with you all in my previous posts. All the ones that explained the medical insanity in my life, the army craziness at work, and my little people growing at home without me. I am of the mind that laughing is better than crying, so most of the time that is the reaction you are going to see. But give me just a minute of your time and you will see something else. You see, each one of my crazy amazing adventurous stories has chipped away a little. Being a soldier, you get used to not showing emotion. The soldier is told not to smile or cry. They demand that the soldier be tough...pushing to the limits. Completing things that the soldier would have never thought possible. The soldier's armor is hard and strong, shielding the soldier from bullets and shrapnel. But when that soldier goes home after the mission is complete, the soldier takes off that armor and the real wounds are exposed. Emotional bruises and pychological bleeding has taken place, but no one knows.
This weekend I have taken a "me" weekend. On Friday, I got everything that I would need for the weekend and then locked myself away. I turned off my cellphone and closed the blinds so that the world was locked out so that I was "safe" to let the vulnerable me show. Sometimes you need to let everything out. Bottled up emotions and hurts aren't just going to come out because you sit down with no one around and tell yourself, "Ok, its time to cry. Go." For me, it has taken a spring cleaning of sorts. I have spent the day going through pictures and journals...visiting the "adventures" of the past four years that have slowly grated and worn at my "armor". There has been some anger, a little laughter, and a lot of tears as I have looked over things that I chalked up to life at the time and found the hurt that was underneath.
It has been a long time coming, and I am a long way for done. There are some people that I will have to talk to and some issues that won't go away in just a weekend. But God is good and has brought me through his grace in every adventure.
I am so proud of you for knowing when your body has had enough and for taking the time to deal. It will take time, but you have taken the first step and that is allowing yourself to proccess your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. Take your time, trust God, and lean on family and friends. He is in control and you are in His palm.
ReplyDelete