Drawn to love...

Over the last four days, so many people have offered congratulations and blessings on Brian and I getting engaged. People I haven't talked to in years have texted, called, or emailed to tell us how happy they are for us. They all want to hear our story...how we met, why we love each other, how Brian proposed, when is the wedding. Love is one of our greatest needs as a human being. We crave it to the point that even if it is someone else's love story we want to hear it. Movies, songs, bill boards, and just about any other media of today can make a buck "selling" love. We all want to be love. We feel the pull of our heart, yearning for someone to take all of us and love every part. Forgiving our faults and encouraging our passions, we want a person to see the real person we are and still choose to love us.
God is that love. He takes the broken pieces of our past and makes us whole in his Son, Jesus. We all look for love in so many places, when it is sitting at our hearts door knocking consistantly to come in. Jesus is waiting for us to surrender ourselves to Him and His will so that He can change our story into the greatest love story ever told. Will you open your heart to love?

The important things in life...

There are amazing opportunities in life that cost a lot of money, but are well worth it.

However, there are so many times that there is no need to spend money just to make great memories. I just spent the whole weekend with my family.

Friday night, my two sisters, one of my brother-in-laws, my mom, nieces, and nephews all spent the night at my house. Between homemade pizza, soda, ice cream, and candy, we played the wii, old maid, and uno. Everyone claimed a spot on the floor (except for those lucky enough to get a bed, couch or chair).

This morning we got up and went to the zoo. So much fun and we didn't have to pay for any of it. There were options of course to spend money with shows and food, and Grandma did splurge for the sea lion show which was great.

The point is that to have fun you don't have to blow your life savings on Disney world or Hawaii. Time spent with people you care about is really the important most memorable thing in this world.

Time

I have 83 days left until I go on terminal leave and 99 days left until my ETS dates. This being said, it feels like last week I had 83 day left to terminal leave and 99 days let to ETS. Time usually flies by but over the past few months it has become a turtle crawling along. I usually have so much to do that I can hardly find time to breath...I mean I cannot believe that the past three years are already gone. Between basic and AIT and Polk and deployment then back from deployment and becoming an NCO...well the time to sit with nothing to d hasn't been there. I have found that I really hate to not be busy.Don't get me wrong, I like to curl up with a good book or watch a tv show series as much as the next person. But I really miss people...my people. I miss having people to go to the gym with, having my phone beep non-stop from all the texts or phone calls. Yes, it has been a stressful, long journey through this monster we call the military, but there wouldn't be one ounce of me that has regretted any of it. I have loved and hated the whole thing. Right now I am in the deep hatred spot, where you just want to walk in and tell your boss exactly what you think of him and how you think the company is doing with some really well chosen words. But since I can't I will settle for complaining to you all and telling you all how miserble I am right now...that way tomorrow I can walk in just like I did today with a fake smile on my face telling everyone hello and biting my tongue to keep the "word vomit" at bay!

....and then

Those two words are so powerful. I mean apart they are words that hold things together, but together they create. ...and then he kissed her. ...and then she took her last breath. ...and then he walked away. ...and then she was alone. ...and then.

There are so many life changing thing that happen after and then. We all are hoping for the ....and then they lived happily ever after. We wish and pray all our lives for that type of ending. One that is exactly what we have been hoping for, but there is the other ending. The one that we all dread and pray never comes.

I got one of those today. I all started with a follow up appointment at my batallion PA's office. We talked, she charted, I descibed. You know the usual things you do with your doctor. And then...(there are those two magic words) it happened. She was wrapping up our session and telling me what needed to be done. She said, "I will talk to Dr. Adams (the Brigade surgeon) about getting you another evaluation...and then start the process of moving you into the WTU (Warrior Transition Unit = the injuried soldiers unit). This will mean extending your ets date by a couple of months. Sorry, but I don't want this coming at you from left field."

So there it is. My "and then". One of those that changes your life. Maybe it seems extremely small, but when you are living it any "and then" feels huge. 

oFF

Today was a training holiday for the 94th BSB. The day started out with me thinking about the future. It is an amazing feeling to be getting ready to start another type of life. There are so many things to do, but it is all so much like a book that is in the middle of a story...the author is still deciding which end to use. How do you choose and where do you look? You would think that it would be very simple having military experience, but in reality...who really cares whether you know how to don your nuclear protective gear in less than five minutes head to toe or that you can hit 32 out of 36 with an M4 or M240B. Those skills don't really translate too well into civilian world. Trust me, I have talked to many of my battle buddies who have gotten out and they are saying the same thing.
     Don't get me wrong the idea of freedom...oh my...and it being just around the corner! There are no words to describe how much I am wishing that day here! It is exciting and thrilling!
     My only hesitation is...what do I do now? So here's the deal, I want your opinions.

Tell me what you think I would be good at...a good direction for me to go in, a career choice that you think I would be good in, or an area for me to consider.

LET ME KNOW!!!!!

Letting Go

Mind if I take of the mask for a minute? Sit down, grab a couple of hot tea (or coffee if you prefer), and let me tell you about what is going on with me.
I have laughed and joked several times with you all in my previous posts. All the ones that explained the medical insanity in my life, the army craziness at work, and my little people growing at home without me. I am of the mind that laughing is better than crying, so most of the time that is the reaction you are going to see. But give me just a minute of your time and you will see something else. You see, each one of my crazy amazing adventurous stories has chipped away a little. Being a soldier, you get used to not showing emotion. The soldier is told not to smile or cry. They demand that the soldier be tough...pushing to the limits. Completing things that the soldier would have never thought possible. The soldier's armor is hard and strong, shielding the soldier from bullets and shrapnel. But when that soldier goes home after the mission is complete, the soldier takes off that armor and the real wounds are exposed. Emotional bruises and pychological bleeding has taken place, but no one knows.
This weekend I have taken a "me" weekend. On Friday, I got everything that I would need for the weekend and then locked myself away. I turned off my cellphone and closed the blinds so that the world was locked out so that I was "safe" to let the vulnerable me show. Sometimes you need to let everything out. Bottled up emotions and hurts aren't just going to come out because you sit down with no one around and tell yourself, "Ok, its time to cry. Go." For me, it has taken a spring cleaning of sorts. I have spent the day going through pictures and journals...visiting the "adventures" of the past four years that have slowly grated and worn at my "armor". There has been some anger, a little laughter, and a lot of tears as I have looked over things that I chalked up to life at the time and found the hurt that was underneath.
It has been a long time coming, and I am a long way for done. There are some people that I will have to talk to and some issues that won't go away in just a weekend. But God is good and has brought me through his grace in every adventure.

Birthdays make me think

     For me, my brithday always brings me to memory lane for a nice stroll. I walk through the first family vacation that I remember when my parent's took us to Georgia, the times that all three of us girls and mom would bake cakes for dad's return from a work school, and summers of playing "little house on the praire".
     A turn comes up and I head into the teen bend...where we get to look at the weeks spent at drama camp, church camp, and vacation bible school in Georgia. The years when I had my summer booked to the point of only weekends at home...not that I didn't love my family... Those stops are longer layovers due to the sheer number of kids that memories come from. The memories of kids bring up summers of Camp Penuel (an inner city camp that I worked at) and semesters of Jeffco with my best friend and sister planning our schedules so that we had at least one break with each other! As we end the turn, I get to relive some moments from my few months spent in Costa Rica...and everything becomes Espanol! Oh, mi cielo!
     The turn straightens and another trip seems to be in order. Georgia again, but as a permenant residence for continued college...but then a bump....and a recruiter! The army stop is one of those memories that requires verification through pictures because it still doesn't all seem really. We go through all these bumpy times; basic training, advanced individual training, and then my stationing at Ft Polk. I can see the first time I put on my ACU uniform scrabbling to figure out where all the patches. A time which made me feel like a little girl playing in daddy's clothes and big boots! That feeling fades as the next picture enters. It finds me saluting the red, white and blue for the first time replacing the feeling of uncertainty with a pride that swells until you think you will burst. The bugle call changes then to tap and the feelings become slightly different...the pride is still there, but it is now accompanied by a sense of sadness with peace from God thrown in as if to say, "It's ok. Go ahead and rest. I got the watch now." Training and everyday life flies by without being able to make much of the memories, but then it slows to review the pre-deployment to Iraq...the travelling time...the first time I loaded "real" ammo into my mag and locked and loaded...the first time I heard the whistle of a rocket...the last time I heard from a friend...the look into the third world county...the sand, dust, heat, sun...the phone calls home...the tears of homesickness, fear, and fatigue. Like a flash, we are back to Ft Polk.
     Welcome home. The past year has flown by as well, with many memories of frustration and pain. Work a constant each day...including the weekends and vacation!  Anticipation for the future has become a theme that courses through me as a motivation to make it...back into the present...until next year when I can fill in the blanks of the new stops that this anticipation has added to the walk down memory lane.

days go by...

I was looking through pictures the other day and ran over some from a training event. We were at a slow time and had all sat down to eat. All of a sudden this game picked up...the remeber game. It is played many ways. Sometimes you just bring up an old memory...or (like we started) you play it with words and familiar things that connect people who really don't know each other.

You see this was before my unit deployed, so we didn't know each other and none of us really had that much in common being from different states and all walks of life. So you look for something to talk about and some common ground...childhood is always a good place to start. "Hey, remember the smirfs?" "I loved that show when I was a kid." "Oh, how about Full House?" (then here we go...) "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....Whatever happen to predictablility, the milkman, the paperboy, evening TV..." "What about this one...'As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with happiness...'?" "That's the Family Matters theme song." "What about slinkies? Remember how much fun it seemed pushing them down stairs. What kind of play is that? Hahaha"

And so it continues, for hours. We all sit there remembering and finding that surface common ground, until we have been around each other long enough to share and find that ocean deep common ground that forms a bond that can never be broken.

To bad...

To bad, the days are gone that you ran around in your bare feet all summer long with friends.

To bad, Christmas only comes once a year..though after this year I personally am glad of that fact!

To bad, that babies become toddlers and toddlers big kids seemingly overnight.

To bad, camping and swimming in the river aren't "fun" enough for family vacations anymore!

To bad, family dinners are so hard to plan for everyone to make.

To bad, people think you are flipping them off when you are waving hello.

To bad, we can't think of a place and be there!

To bad, there are places that we will never see that have wonders we can never imagine!

To bad, families don't live all within a 1 mile radius anymore.

To bad, friends have to move away.

To bad, America thinks it supports it troops when in truth they threaten there well being the most.

To bad, disasters have to happen before we try to help people.

To bad, the good parts in life go too fast and the bad parts seem to DRAG on.

To bad, world peace is only a joke from beauty pagents and not a reality.

To bad, there are so many "too bad"s!