My scrapbook

I mentioned in my last post that I had been working on my military scrapbook. I also said that it has been an emotional roller coaster, but not in the way you might think.

Looking at those pictures, the memories are good, mostly, and yet there is a longing for that life again. Though I remember how horrible some of those times were and the tears that were shed over them, I stare in amazement at the close calls and paths that could have turn out to have devastating effects. The feeling is more than that though, so much so that I am not sure I can describe it. It is the fear of what could have been and the hope of the end, chunked together with love for those around me, riddled in some areas with guilt for "quitting", and encased in a longing for those connections again.
Overall, though it is only a scrapbook, I am finding other qualities as well. It is my much needed therapist, who tells me to put it on a page, then close the book and move on! It is a drill sergeant saying...GET IT DONE! And then of course it is like many of my loving friends and family. It takes the time to hear my stories (though they are of no interest to them!) and lets me cry when it hurts, laugh when I can't hold it in, and never condemns for either.


Since it is only a book though, it began me thinking of those family and friends who have been there through the dark hours. Thank you to all who have listened, shared, and hoped for a brighter future with me. I couldn't have done it without you!

Comfort

I found this picture the other day, and had to choke back the tears. My unit The unit I used to serve with just left this past week. It has reminded me of those first days of deployment. They are full of uncertainty and emotions. The bond that is formed as you work side by side with others during dangerous and fearful times, it is stronger than blood. It doesn't matter if you are from the south, the north, a large country family, or an only child from the city...when you depend on people everyday for everything, you are tied to them.

I wouldn't want to go back to active duty. I was ready to go, but that doesn't mean that the bond to those people is broken. So as they are going through their first days of deployment, I am here...a civilian...wishing with all my might that they have everything they need to get through. To all my 94th buddies, you all have grown and matured so much in your short time with the unit. No one could be prouder of how you all have pulled together. Take care of each other and bring everyone home.

Back again!

OK...so I know that my posts have been more non-existent than ever, but with good reason...I am happy to report.

I am HOME!

The end of my active duty contract is 24JUL2010! So I am on terminal leave, looking for a house, a job, a brand new life basically! It is an exciting time, but also a crazy one. I have a lot of mixed emotions about leaving my soldiers to go to Afghanistan without me. I know, I know. I did my time. They can do theirs too, but they are like kids. My kids. You get them when they are new to the army and you raise them. Hopefully, right, instilling the army values and training them with all the knowledge that they will need to survive and thrive even in the worst of situations. So even though I am ecstatic to be home, and on to new things, there are parts of me that still play in that motherly area of the NCO...needing to watch her babies while they fumble their way through the grenade launching, missile exploding, heat ridden desert summers, frost bitten winter mountains, and oh yeah the boredom of this coming deployment.

-To the 94th BSB S6 shop, remember: There are no boundaries on a commo dog. I am watching you! They can talk about ya, but they can't talk without ya!
My love to all,
SGT Rudloff.

Time

I have 83 days left until I go on terminal leave and 99 days left until my ETS dates. This being said, it feels like last week I had 83 day left to terminal leave and 99 days let to ETS. Time usually flies by but over the past few months it has become a turtle crawling along. I usually have so much to do that I can hardly find time to breath...I mean I cannot believe that the past three years are already gone. Between basic and AIT and Polk and deployment then back from deployment and becoming an NCO...well the time to sit with nothing to d hasn't been there. I have found that I really hate to not be busy.Don't get me wrong, I like to curl up with a good book or watch a tv show series as much as the next person. But I really miss people...my people. I miss having people to go to the gym with, having my phone beep non-stop from all the texts or phone calls. Yes, it has been a stressful, long journey through this monster we call the military, but there wouldn't be one ounce of me that has regretted any of it. I have loved and hated the whole thing. Right now I am in the deep hatred spot, where you just want to walk in and tell your boss exactly what you think of him and how you think the company is doing with some really well chosen words. But since I can't I will settle for complaining to you all and telling you all how miserble I am right now...that way tomorrow I can walk in just like I did today with a fake smile on my face telling everyone hello and biting my tongue to keep the "word vomit" at bay!

....and then

Those two words are so powerful. I mean apart they are words that hold things together, but together they create. ...and then he kissed her. ...and then she took her last breath. ...and then he walked away. ...and then she was alone. ...and then.

There are so many life changing thing that happen after and then. We all are hoping for the ....and then they lived happily ever after. We wish and pray all our lives for that type of ending. One that is exactly what we have been hoping for, but there is the other ending. The one that we all dread and pray never comes.

I got one of those today. I all started with a follow up appointment at my batallion PA's office. We talked, she charted, I descibed. You know the usual things you do with your doctor. And then...(there are those two magic words) it happened. She was wrapping up our session and telling me what needed to be done. She said, "I will talk to Dr. Adams (the Brigade surgeon) about getting you another evaluation...and then start the process of moving you into the WTU (Warrior Transition Unit = the injuried soldiers unit). This will mean extending your ets date by a couple of months. Sorry, but I don't want this coming at you from left field."

So there it is. My "and then". One of those that changes your life. Maybe it seems extremely small, but when you are living it any "and then" feels huge. 

Blog Hop - Snow snow snow

Well, I live in Louisiana and we have only had this one bout of snow this year.

But, my favorite snow picture is not very clear, but the beauty of it isn't what makes is special. It is the location of the picture...

FOB Rustamiyah, Iraq. At times over there it was

hard to see the existance of God, but when it snows

 in the desert you can't help but realize that God is 

 everywhere!                          

AND COUNTING!

150 DAYS

So I went to my pre-separation brief today. It was very informative and now that it is over I have so much to look over and research. I better get to it!

My Count Down

200

That's exactly how many days are left in my contract with the Army. I am surprised though...the closer the time gets the more I realize how much I am going to miss the ways of the military. I am NOT saying that I will miss the 0400 formations, people yelling at me for doing what I was told to do in the first place, or the hours standing around for someone to come in and dismiss you. I am also VERY excited about starting again. It is like getting another chance at your life without having to go through high school again!

But at the same time, I will miss the family aspect of it. Just last night I had dinner with my soldiers. We work together, yet we can spend time together outside of work and still have things to talk and laugh about. I will miss going through any place and being able to see another soldier and automatically strike up a conversation with them like we have known each other for years. I will miss the drive that I feel when I salute the flag every morning and the pride I feel listening to Taps every night.

I am getting out of the military for many reasons, but today for some reason I can't remember any of those. All I can think of is the mission. My soldiers are getting ready to go to war in Afghanistan. I won't be there. I might have spent sometime in Iraq, but part of me feels like a deserter, leaving my "family" at the time they need me the most.

So for me today, though part of me is giddy with joy and adventure, there is a part of me that is reserved and reflective about the time spent and the people that I heave learned to care so deeply for.

The Field...with a twist.

Most of the time when we go to the field here in Louisiana, we encounter heat, rain, humidity, or all of the above. But this past field exercise, we all experienced something a little different.

Yes that is snow!

The only other time that I have had to work with snow in the Army was (if you can believe it) Iraq. I'll prove it...keep scrolling down.

So this might not prove that it is Iraq, but CPT Watkins could tell you that it was. It was the first snow for them in over 40 years. Most had never seen snow before. The snow made the country seem almost normal, but it didn't last more than an hour or two. Once melted it became a mud puddle all around. Yes, I mean one big mud puddle. Here I will show you:

This is an MRAP...an uparmored military vehicle. You would think that it being the desert water would just disappear as soon as it hit the sand, but nope, it would stay around for weeks making life miserable! Oh, the joys of deployment!

Anyway, back to the present, ummmm...where were we? Oh, yes, the field. Well, I would love to show you great pictures of all the hardwork my soldiers did, but we were so busy working that we didn't get to take any pictures. However, they deserve credit for their never wavering effort to complete the mission.

PFC Mitchell, PFC Ferrick, SPC Meyer

Thank you for all of your hardwork. Ya'll are always there to turn your back, hang your head, or pretending to work on a very important project when I finally figure out that I have messed up!