THE PERFECT PA

In the military before you see an M.D., you see what is called a P.A. (Physician's Assistant). They evaluate you and send you to the correct clinic if you need. Up until now, I have been ok with our PA, but today I fell in love with her! She took over an hour and a half. Everytime one of the specialist "can't help", she comes up with more encouragement and a new idea. Today, I walked into the clinic very depressed and defeated, feeling like we were pretty much at the end of the road and I was going to be like this for the rest of my life. She took her time, listen to me, watched me cry with tears in her eyes, and even called me by my name, my first name, while reassuring me. It kinda restored my faith in the army. There are still soldiers out there that are compassionate and helpful, caring and willing to fight for you. I had thought that I was the only one left that really felt like being a soldier was an honor. I guess not though.
   So with all that said, my perfect pa said that she couldn't do anything. I know that it sounds crazy, but she said we wait. That after all the appointments stop, that is when we act and push, and fight like mad for something else to be done. Here is were we sit...waiting...again...but maybe with at least one person on our side.

     (But don't let her know that I told you...she wouldn't want to lose her reputation!)

Blog Hop - Snow snow snow

Well, I live in Louisiana and we have only had this one bout of snow this year.

But, my favorite snow picture is not very clear, but the beauty of it isn't what makes is special. It is the location of the picture...

FOB Rustamiyah, Iraq. At times over there it was

hard to see the existance of God, but when it snows

 in the desert you can't help but realize that God is 

 everywhere!                          

AND COUNTING!

150 DAYS

So I went to my pre-separation brief today. It was very informative and now that it is over I have so much to look over and research. I better get to it!

Again

Just a short update...I got another appointment with a new neurologist in March. This neurologist is in Alexandria, a city about 45 minutes to an hour away from Ft Polk.  I am praying that the doctors will be able to find the problem and start to repair it. I would appreciate all of those who will join me in my prayers.

Thank you!

My self-prescribed therapy

When I get annoyed,

 frustrated, mad, upset, or just need to think,

I bake.

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!!!

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Double Chocolate Chip CookiesMini Pumpkin Pies

Applesauce Muffins

And that's just the stuff that made it to the oven...I still have peanut butter cookies and spiced pinwheels to bake! Call me crazy, but maybe I will start tomorrow off on the right foot...at least a sweet one.

Letting Go

Mind if I take of the mask for a minute? Sit down, grab a couple of hot tea (or coffee if you prefer), and let me tell you about what is going on with me.
I have laughed and joked several times with you all in my previous posts. All the ones that explained the medical insanity in my life, the army craziness at work, and my little people growing at home without me. I am of the mind that laughing is better than crying, so most of the time that is the reaction you are going to see. But give me just a minute of your time and you will see something else. You see, each one of my crazy amazing adventurous stories has chipped away a little. Being a soldier, you get used to not showing emotion. The soldier is told not to smile or cry. They demand that the soldier be tough...pushing to the limits. Completing things that the soldier would have never thought possible. The soldier's armor is hard and strong, shielding the soldier from bullets and shrapnel. But when that soldier goes home after the mission is complete, the soldier takes off that armor and the real wounds are exposed. Emotional bruises and pychological bleeding has taken place, but no one knows.
This weekend I have taken a "me" weekend. On Friday, I got everything that I would need for the weekend and then locked myself away. I turned off my cellphone and closed the blinds so that the world was locked out so that I was "safe" to let the vulnerable me show. Sometimes you need to let everything out. Bottled up emotions and hurts aren't just going to come out because you sit down with no one around and tell yourself, "Ok, its time to cry. Go." For me, it has taken a spring cleaning of sorts. I have spent the day going through pictures and journals...visiting the "adventures" of the past four years that have slowly grated and worn at my "armor". There has been some anger, a little laughter, and a lot of tears as I have looked over things that I chalked up to life at the time and found the hurt that was underneath.
It has been a long time coming, and I am a long way for done. There are some people that I will have to talk to and some issues that won't go away in just a weekend. But God is good and has brought me through his grace in every adventure.

Medical Update

Hey, just wanted to keep you all informed. I am still waiting on some referals. I have an optometry appointment on 10 March and a pschyology appointment on 19 February. I am still expecting a phone call from neurology and haven't gotten into the TBI clinic here at Polk either. I am back to working half days...I have just made myself not go in unless they call me. I have had a few run-ins with my unit, but I am standing my ground and putting my health first. (Thank you. Thank you. ~bow~bow~) I have been working a lot on my plans for my exodus out of the military. Other than that I take a lot of naps and try to push myself to the limits without going over the edge and falling into the pit of unbearable pain.

You know your loved when...

...your wall is filled like this:

My nieces and nephews and all my "kids"have decorated my room so beautifully!

....the people at the post office know you by name and box number because you have so much mail and so many boxes!


...your emails are not from disgruntled employers or people needing things but messages like this:

Birthdays make me think

     For me, my brithday always brings me to memory lane for a nice stroll. I walk through the first family vacation that I remember when my parent's took us to Georgia, the times that all three of us girls and mom would bake cakes for dad's return from a work school, and summers of playing "little house on the praire".
     A turn comes up and I head into the teen bend...where we get to look at the weeks spent at drama camp, church camp, and vacation bible school in Georgia. The years when I had my summer booked to the point of only weekends at home...not that I didn't love my family... Those stops are longer layovers due to the sheer number of kids that memories come from. The memories of kids bring up summers of Camp Penuel (an inner city camp that I worked at) and semesters of Jeffco with my best friend and sister planning our schedules so that we had at least one break with each other! As we end the turn, I get to relive some moments from my few months spent in Costa Rica...and everything becomes Espanol! Oh, mi cielo!
     The turn straightens and another trip seems to be in order. Georgia again, but as a permenant residence for continued college...but then a bump....and a recruiter! The army stop is one of those memories that requires verification through pictures because it still doesn't all seem really. We go through all these bumpy times; basic training, advanced individual training, and then my stationing at Ft Polk. I can see the first time I put on my ACU uniform scrabbling to figure out where all the patches. A time which made me feel like a little girl playing in daddy's clothes and big boots! That feeling fades as the next picture enters. It finds me saluting the red, white and blue for the first time replacing the feeling of uncertainty with a pride that swells until you think you will burst. The bugle call changes then to tap and the feelings become slightly different...the pride is still there, but it is now accompanied by a sense of sadness with peace from God thrown in as if to say, "It's ok. Go ahead and rest. I got the watch now." Training and everyday life flies by without being able to make much of the memories, but then it slows to review the pre-deployment to Iraq...the travelling time...the first time I loaded "real" ammo into my mag and locked and loaded...the first time I heard the whistle of a rocket...the last time I heard from a friend...the look into the third world county...the sand, dust, heat, sun...the phone calls home...the tears of homesickness, fear, and fatigue. Like a flash, we are back to Ft Polk.
     Welcome home. The past year has flown by as well, with many memories of frustration and pain. Work a constant each day...including the weekends and vacation!  Anticipation for the future has become a theme that courses through me as a motivation to make it...back into the present...until next year when I can fill in the blanks of the new stops that this anticipation has added to the walk down memory lane.

Beauty

Here is the newest creation of mine...it took me all day because I had to take a break after and sometimes during each step! But it got done...nothing fancy. Just a couple of designs that I wanted to try.

These cupcakes were really the left over batter from my cake. But I hate to ice cupcakes so I tried this new way and loved it. No trying to make it smooth or get the right amount. It is great...just fill the icing bag and pipe it on in a spiral. It looks a little more decorative and yet it is SO much easier!

Meet "my" Austin

This is my oldest nephew, Austin. He has only been in my family for about a year now. So he still thinks we are nuts, and I guess he's right!

Austin is all about his games...and his dad doesn't stand a chance against him! We all have had a great time this year getting to know this guy. But as great as it has been, I can't wait for the time when I can actually spend with him and learn who he is and what he likes!

Austin, I know that at times you are probably very uncomfortable with our families silliness, but know that we all love you and are very glad you are a part of our family! Take care and keep up your hard work at school! You have so much potential to do great things. Don't let other people tell you different. I am here if you ever need anything!

Meet "my" Isaac.

Isaac Christopher Smith is my only nephew from my best friend Sarah, but not for long (ye-yah!).

     This boy, who I have nick-named my "I-man", is so cute...he smiles at just about everything. He warms up to people in no time at all, a fact that truely cemented my love for him since I am not around as much as I would like to be! He is an man's dream of a son. He is all about the dirt, messes, and outdoors!

     I was in Iraq when Sarah was pregnant with Isaac. I got leave right around the time he was supposed to be born, but the stubborn little meanie didn't want me around apparently because it didn't take long after I left for him to come! Ilove him anyway though.

Isaac, I look forward to many more years of playing and loving on you. I can't wait for the day that I can show and tell you all the crazy adventures your mom and I had together. You have a great mom, who I lean on all the time. She is real and will tell you like it is. Pick up that trait from her ok? Keep smiling, I-man! No matter what. I love you!

Meet "my" Kate

Katherine Elizabeth....I have missed so much of your life. Though we share a middle name, we have had so few opportunities to share in any fun memories! I was in Iraq when you were born. I didn't get to hear your first word or see your first step or enjoy your first smile of recognition when I walked into the room.

But soon we will, Kate,...as time flies by and you grow and change, I will be there. We will have a great time as I show you the "roller coaster" road, teach you the "belly button" song, and do every other "Aunt Erin" adventure that I have shared with your siblings. I love you, Kate, and can't wait to get to know you.

Meet "my" Josiah

Josiah Thomas Sikes...my motivator many times over.

When my training gets too hard, I think about Josiah and how he thinks that soldiers can do anything! If that isn't enough to make you push yourself, I don't know what is. Josiah is all boy! He plays army "duys" and is rough and tough, but he still takes time to cuddle with his mom and play house with his sisters.

Josiah, you are already such a little man. I can't count the times that I have smiled just thinking about you. I love that you call me to make sure your mom is right about soldier stuff. The fact that I now have someone to play in the dirt and pretend fight with is GREAT! You keep growing up big and strong, buddy. I love you so much!

Meet "my" Sammy Jo

This is Samantha Jo Sikes.

She is my second niece born to my oldest sister. I remember the day that Samantha was born. I was assigned to watch Maggie, which was just fine with me because I wanted to feel useful! That whole day Maggie would stand at the door crying because she wanted her mommy...She would say, "almost?" and I would respond, "Yes, almost." Hahaha...I was never so glad for a babysitting job to be over!

Sammy Jo is the crazy one of my borrowed crew. She is always "digging and twisting" as my dad has labeled it. Just another name for annoying and picking at people...digging at those funny spots they have and just when they start to get annoyed you "twist" a little and everyone is laughing. In that way, she is just like me. (Sorry, Sam!) In her crazy little way, she always bring the silliness to our times together. We laugh and talk and just have fun.

When I think of Samantha, I always think, "I hope that I can bring as many smiles to the world as she does." She has such a carefree, fun-loving spirit. She reminds me that life is full of joy and happiness. He infectious laughter and beautiful smiles light up a room until everyone in it can't help but do the same.

Keep smiling, Sam! You have brought so many smiles into my life. When I was in Iraq, I would look at your mommy's blog and laugh and cry at the same time. You are so cute and loveable. Don't let life take away your smiles. Sad and crazy things will happen, but you can handle it because you have your joy within Jesus. I love you, baby girl!

Meet "my" Maggie.

Here is Maggie.

This is my first niece. She is like a cookie-cutter image of my sister. Maybe not so much in looks, but definately in actions. Maggie is the little "mom" of my borrowed crew.  She has become such a grown up young lady in the past year...every time I see her she surprises me again. She is a huge help to her mom with her littlest sister Kate.

When I think about Maggie, I think of her kind, gentle hearted spirit. She is so caring and loving to not only her brothers and sisters, but everyone around her. If someone is hurting or upset, Maggie is the first to try to comfort them. She has her stubborn moments ;) which when she controls, make her able to do anything she puts her mind to. She is so smart. She called me the other day to tell me that she had finished her first chapter book. I am so proud of all her hard work in school. She doesn't always like it, but she does her best and that makes her successes even greater!

     I love you, Maggie. Not matter what happens remember that you can be anything you want to be because you are strong and able. You are amazing and such a great person. Don't let anyone make you feel less...you are enough just the way you are. Don't change except to grow closer to your Jesus.

days go by...

I was looking through pictures the other day and ran over some from a training event. We were at a slow time and had all sat down to eat. All of a sudden this game picked up...the remeber game. It is played many ways. Sometimes you just bring up an old memory...or (like we started) you play it with words and familiar things that connect people who really don't know each other.

You see this was before my unit deployed, so we didn't know each other and none of us really had that much in common being from different states and all walks of life. So you look for something to talk about and some common ground...childhood is always a good place to start. "Hey, remember the smirfs?" "I loved that show when I was a kid." "Oh, how about Full House?" (then here we go...) "Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh....Whatever happen to predictablility, the milkman, the paperboy, evening TV..." "What about this one...'As days go by, we're gonna fill our house with happiness...'?" "That's the Family Matters theme song." "What about slinkies? Remember how much fun it seemed pushing them down stairs. What kind of play is that? Hahaha"

And so it continues, for hours. We all sit there remembering and finding that surface common ground, until we have been around each other long enough to share and find that ocean deep common ground that forms a bond that can never be broken.

Is that you final answer?

     I had my follow up appointment with my Ft Polk doctor today. He told me that he was going to refer me to a neuologist, optomitrist, and behavioral health (psychologist) for follow ups on my treatment. He said that those appointments might not be scheduled until next week around Wednesday or Thursday, so I don't really know how long it will take to get those completed.
     He also gave me the great news (sarcasm doesn't really come across to well on paper...rats :`< ) that I will be going back to work......tomorrow. They gave me a profile so that I don't have to run and suggested to my commander that I only work half days (a really good joke in the military!), but other than that I am pretty much back to full duty.
    If you would pray during this time for two things: 1.) That my unit will give me the time I need to rehabilitate myself while building up to being back to work full time. 2.) That my health will improve or that I will know what to do if it doesn't.
     Thank you all so much for all your support and prayers. Your loving care during this "insanity" has made a bad situation more bearable. So thank you again...I will probably wear those words out, but there is no way that I could explain to you all how much it means to have so many wanting an update so that they can pray better or sending things to help out. I have been truly touched many times over by the way that everyone has rallied around my whole family. Thank you.

Here we go 'round the _______(well it's not a mulberry bush!)

So the news on the street is that Ft Polk is a little confused!


Mom and I got back here on Saturday night. The trip was very difficult because of the nausea and headache. It was a beautiful day unfortunately for me, so the sun was shining through the trees and into my eye ;( But I survived and the trip is complete. I went into my unit to report in yesterday and they were very upset with how things had gone at BAMC and they didn't really know what to do with me. So we are still waiting.


My follow up appointment has us all on pins and needles waiting to figure out if they are going to find out what is wrong on their own or if we are going to have another fight on our hands. If so, I am calling in re-enforcements. Any volunteers????!!!!!


Please pray that the doctors will take some type of action and not just pass this off again. Thank you for all your support. You all have been so great!

To bad...

To bad, the days are gone that you ran around in your bare feet all summer long with friends.

To bad, Christmas only comes once a year..though after this year I personally am glad of that fact!

To bad, that babies become toddlers and toddlers big kids seemingly overnight.

To bad, camping and swimming in the river aren't "fun" enough for family vacations anymore!

To bad, family dinners are so hard to plan for everyone to make.

To bad, people think you are flipping them off when you are waving hello.

To bad, we can't think of a place and be there!

To bad, there are places that we will never see that have wonders we can never imagine!

To bad, families don't live all within a 1 mile radius anymore.

To bad, friends have to move away.

To bad, America thinks it supports it troops when in truth they threaten there well being the most.

To bad, disasters have to happen before we try to help people.

To bad, the good parts in life go too fast and the bad parts seem to DRAG on.

To bad, world peace is only a joke from beauty pagents and not a reality.

To bad, there are so many "too bad"s!

Last session

Today I walked into the TBI clinic at BAMC for (hopefully) the last time ever. My therapist is very happy with the progress I have made and thinks I am ready to head back to Ft Polk. I have to stay in contact with her for the next four months, so that she can monitor my condition and help me continue to recover.
Through this whole proccess I have been so blessed, but I will never be able to get over the impact God made on my faith when he brought my therapist into my life. She has been there every step of the way. From spending extra time with me during therapy sessions and giving me her personal numbers so that I can reach her if I need help, she couldn't have done more. As I leave this hospital, I have had so many crazy experiences and troubling aspects to my stay. But God must have known that I needed a break...because just as I was about to give up and thought I was just going to have to live with the pain, along came Mariam. She stuck with me and actually listened to what I was feeling, even better than that she believed me. Without her, I know that I wouldn't be to the spot I am in my recovery. So even though she might never see this, I want to thank her. The healing that God has facilitated through her could never be repayed.

Let me know...

So since I have been laid up in bed, I have been  thinking about what I am going to do when I get out. All the books and magazines and classes say that you shouldn't go right into another job after you leave the military. They recommend that you take some time off and let the civillian world sink back in.

SO

I am going to take a road trip. There are so many people I want to see before I get tied down to one spot again. Write me a comment if you want me to put you on my map for a stop! I have about ten places on all sides of the US and a couple outside of the US for that matter. Just let me know and I will do my best to pencil you in.

Can't wait to see all of you!

UNITY FAMILY!

I know that you all have been sitting on your hands waiting for some way to help me. So many of you all have asked to help and until now there hasn't been anything for you to do. There is now though. My mom and I are heading back to Ft Polk on Saturday. We don't have a place to stay from Saturday night through Wednesday night. If there is anyone who can help us with this, please let me know. We will probably be gone for most of the day hours because of appointments and errands. I don't have any particular special needs anymore. I am all the way out of the wheelchair! Ye-yah! Any help that you all can give us, would be greatly appreciate it.

Thank you all for all your prayers and support.

Today's Therapies

Today I had two appointments. One was my normal myofacial release appointment. The other was with a speech pathologist who was analyzing my reading and writing skills. She believes that she can help me get these skills back and decrease the nausea and headache brought on by them. I have another appointment with her on Thursday to she what she reccommends.